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If We Had Sound on this Website, You’d Hear Me Puking

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[Originally posted on Thursday, June 9th]

No photo… I’m not wasting the bandwidth.

As I wipe specks of my breakfast from my lips, and contemplate getting drunk at 9:15am, or maybe just jumping off the roof, The New York Daily News brings us this little bit of bile. Gossip columnist Lloyd Grove is hearing rumors that the runaway bride, Jennifer Wilbanks, is closing in on a book deal. Grove says that publisher Judith Regan is putting together a mid-six-figure deal with Wilbanks and her fiance John Mason.

I guess she has to pay her court fees somehow. I’ve got no problem with Regan, go get the book ‘cuz if you don’t someone else will, but I’m amazed at how quickly these people manage to get over their stagefright. All I heard out of Amber Frey was how she didn’t want to be involved in the whole trial and affair and she just wanted her life back, but then she writes a book. Wilbanks returned to Georgia and walked through the airport with a blanket over her head because she didn’t want pictures taken.

But now, I’m sure she’ll reveal all! In her own words! She’ll twist this into some sort of book championing the cause of some disorder or problem, and eager interviewers will talk about how brave she is for telling her story, and she’ll hit all the talk shows, and make the rounds, no blanket in sight, keeping her chin up, and Katie Couric or someone will talk about her inspirational story of how she defeated whatever problems she had, and some other host will beam about how love conquers all and John Mason still wants to marry her.

Then, after all the sentiment and shock has been milked from her story, she’ll turn herself in a ironic caricature of herself, like the Julia Roberts character come-to-life. She’ll film some commercials about how split ends on the eve of her wedding caused her to runaway but Vidal Sasson’s new product enabled her to come back and be the gorgeous bride. She’ll “write” a funny book, how-to kind of thing, about ways to keep your betrothed at home in the days before the wedding. She’ll build a whole career out of her cruelty to friends and family members.

And then, when it starts winding down, when folks finally get sick of her, she’ll do a photo shoot for Playboy and go on some reality television show.

Puke.