Methadone for Mt. Dew?

Anyone know of some treatment plan for kicking Mt. Dew addiction? On Wednesday, I drank 9 cans of the shit. It’s not the caffeine that affects me, but geez, that’s 1,530 calories just in nuclear green colored liquid. I’m going to start losing all my jobs as a Men’s Health cover model if this keeps up.

I was thinking of locking myself up and quitting cold-turkey, following the Trainspotting method. Relinquishing Mt. Dew: “Stage one, preparation. For this you will need one room which you will not leave. Soothing music. Tomato soup, ten tins of. Mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold. Ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of. Magnesia, milk of, one bottle. Paracetamol, mouthwash, vitamins. Mineral water, Lucozade,pornography. One mattress. One bucket for urine, one for feces and one for vomitus. One
television and one bottle of Valium.”

But it didn’t work too well for Renton so I’m wondering if there’s a better way. Isn’t there some government program or something?